


Weekly Yeast Vol. 3

by ebayhaunteddoll



Series: The Weekly Yeast [3]
Category: Actor RPF, Chef RPF, RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Adoption, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Cooking, Dance Music, Evil, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Interviews, Kid Fic, Supernatural Elements, chicago river fire ment, cocktails, kpop, libel and slander, magazine, waarning: anti baha'i content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:42:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28139385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebayhaunteddoll/pseuds/ebayhaunteddoll
Summary: Take a peak into the lives of the rich, famous, and influential through one of the least read gossip magazines! Updating once per week, we write the text equivalent of a little girl's attempt at making slime from cleaning products and glitter in her mom's new Kitchenaid. Our entire staff abuses household substances and we live too fast for editing so we apologize in advance for any errors and spelling. Experience a level of journalistic integrity that makes you wish you were watching Fox News.This week, shake up your life with 8 of Jamie Oliver's favorite cocktails, news from everyone's favorite boyband, and an explosive new interview with RuPaul.
Series: The Weekly Yeast [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041948
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Weekly Yeast Vol. 3

# At Home with RoopAhl

My rental Volkswagen Beetle glides through the Wisconsin foothills as if the wheels have been primed with astroglide. As the orange leaves spiral from the treetops, scores of white-tailed deer jump across the road, and I only hit one or two. I’m on the way to legendary drag queen RuPual’s estate, and as I meander through the acrid smelling fracking fields, the only thought on my mind is _this is my Pulitzer._

I pull up in Paul’s full-size parking lot, the airbag helpfully deploying. Paul’s estate is elegant in all black stone, taller than it is wide, with the main spire reaching sixty feet up into the air and pulsing with green electricity. I feel a little sick. The baying of hounds and the crunching of metal on metal blends into the pulse of 90s dance pop blasting from the evidently robust speaker system. I listen close but I can only catch snippets of the lyrics.

_...Undercooked pussy with the pink in the middle_

_Hick pussy play the spoons and strum on the fiddle…_

Eventually an elderly butler comes out to pick me up off my feet and shuttle me to the door. He tells me his name but I already forgot, sorry to my editor, I just got put on Zoloft and it just melts my brain. The heavy pink door is emblazoned with a picture of a young RuPaul in full red and yellow drag, with the phrase “CURSES UPON THE BLOODLINE OF ALL WHO ENTER HERE” stitched onto his bodice. I grab my nuts, thinking of my future children, and decide they’ve got it too good anyway. I flick on my tape recorder and knock shave and a haircut. 

RuPaul answers the door in a smart-looking puce and oxblood suit. He greets me and laughs for about three or four minutes. I walk in while he’s laughing and take a seat on a pile of old fabric dumped in the middle of his living room. I’m sitting next to a bookcase, with such hits as _Q and You: Guide for Digital Soldiers_ by Bobert Scranglington and _Siegfried Sasson Fanfiction pt. 1_ by Pat Barker.

RuPaul: You know, I’m a big fan of The Weekly Yeast!

Me: How did you get in here so silently?

RuPaul: (laughter) My mama used to tell me (Laughter) If you can’t love yourself, how can you love anyone else? (LAUGHTER)

Me: Why are you saying laughter out loud… 

RuPaul: And I think it’s very important as a gay icon to love everyone. Except those of the Baha’i faith. 

Me: The Baha’ii?

RuPaul: Yes. They are my least favorite Abrahamic faith, and that’s saying something. (Shakes head).

Me: You know, you can shake your head, you don’t have to-

RuPaul: On my show, I try to show something fun. Something camp. You know what camp is, don’t you, reporter boy?

Me: Yes, in the 70s, I-

RuPaul: No you don’t. Don’t lie to me, slug.

Me: Are you going to explain the Baha’i comments? I’m sure our Baha’i readers-

RuPaul: (Scoffs, looking dismissively at the worm on my rag pile) Like you have Baha’i readers! The Weekly Yeast is a failing rag that’s not worth lining the cage of my extremely rare passenger pigeons. Their reporters can’t even explain camp to me. 

Me: Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about the controversial elimination of Pre T. Cruiser from your Kings’ competition. What’s your take on the backlash?

RuPaul: You know, I was nominated for two Emmys this year. I’m very grateful. I might be the most grateful person in the world. I’m more grateful than you. I’m more grateful than your Mom. I’m more grateful than Obama. I’m more grateful than a dead sinner waking up in the void.

Me: What would you say the biggest obstacle in your life is?

RuPaul: Nothing I can’t overcome, honey! (Laughter). Homophobia’s been a problem, obviously. Low ratings, in the beginning, I can tell you! Probably my biggest everyday worry is getting unsuspecting reporters to come to my house so I can melt them down for natural gas. 

Me: Huh-

[END TAPE]

  
  
  


* * *

# Member of World-Renowned Boy Group BTS Adopts 5 American Children

It’s safe to say that everyone reading this article right now has heard of the Korean Pop group BTS’s rocket to superstardom, unless you were too resistant to psychiatric treatment in 2012 and they accidentally administered too much ketamine, rendering you unconscious for up until very recently. But don’t feel too out of the loop-we here at the Weekly Yeast are proud to debut this particular story for the first time from our direct source, Kim Taehyung himself!

In our exclusive first-time solo interview, the star talked about his experiences in and relationship with the USA during his many times abroad to perform, and just how they led to him choosing to adopt 5 middle school-aged Caucasian children from the suburbs of Los Angeles. 

"It's not about the pity," said singer-turned-actor-turned mother of 5, Kim Taehyung. "It's not about the praise or the gratification. It's about the love I have for these poor deprived children-the moment I set eyes on them in that SoCal McHovel, I knew the life I could provide for them would be so much fuller and safer. Not to mention smell better."

“What do you mean by that, Mr. Kim?” I asked. Being a Korean myself, I was unfamiliar with the environment the children had originated from. 

“Oh, you don’t even want to know. They’re still-pardon my Frsench- shitting in toilets over there. I swear I saw someone dumping a chamberpot out of their window once. I guess it’s not really their fault, though, with what they eat over there. Bathroom habits that frequent must be a pain to regulate.”

“I understand,” I said. “Can you tell us more about your children?”

"Their names are Bradley, Katelynnnn, Juliana, Michael, and Roger, but I've taken to calling them by numbers. It's just so much easier, you know? Especially in the mornings when it's all hectic before school. I can't really tell them apart otherwise. All of them are taking remedial classes to catch them up to the rest of the kids their age. It’s such a shame, how the American Education system is so unreliably designed. They were barely reading at a 10th grade level."

As for their diet, Kim has got that covered with the natural culinary intuition that one would come to expect from a Korean.

"4 (Bradley) actually can't eat nuts or legumes or seeds, which is just one of his quirks that makes me love being an interracial parent so much. Like, have you ever seen a normal kid with a nut allergy? Crazy, right? Our pediatric nutritionist said most good quality dog kibbles are grain-free anyways, so it's not like it's that much of a workaround. Sometimes he gets raw pork knuckle too. Great enrichment."

**This article was written and submitted for editing on the 15th of December, 2020. Since then, we have received correspondence that information stated within it is now misleading or may be false. We apologize for the inconvenience, and have provided the message below for clarification. (Received 16th December, 2020).**

Kim Taehyung: "I gave number 4 (Bradley) back because his allergy apparently includes rice. It was too much of a lifestyle adjustment for me to make, and I miss him every day, but you can't expect everything in life to work out the way you want it to. 4 is an unlucky number, and he was the ugliest one anyway. Fucker bit me when I put him in his carrier."

* * *

# Jamie Oliver’s Eight Favorite Cocktails

Nothing helps you unwind like something that barely constitutes as edible. Here are 8 cocktails by Jamie Oliver sure to make you feel like you are consuming fluid! Great if you want the attic rats to feel like they should check up on you, but then they decide against it.

  
  


1\. The Chicago River Fire

  * 1 cup hot coffee
  * 1 cup dark soda (coke, rootbeer, etc.)
  * 2 shots fireball
  * 2 teaspoons cayenne pepper
  * A few swedish fish at the bottom of the glass



2\. Gay Gastby’s Great Good Good Anti-Vampire Serum

  * ¾ cup grape fanta
  * 1 clove raw, skin-on garlic
  * 2 shots fine wine


  1. Biohazard


  * 1 cup The Green Shit? Forgot what it’s called.
  * 1 shot swamp water
  * A few drops of blood (bartender gets to choose who’s)



3\. A Lethal Dose Of Wood Alcohol

  * Just as much wood alcohol as you can bear. Go stupid.



4\. Moscow mule, but bad.

  * Vodka 
  * Lime juice 
  * Ginger beer (all listed above to taste)
  * 4 gallons mule urine


  1. The Bar Mitzvah


  * 1 cup Manischewitz
  * 1 shot horseradish, mixed in well



5\. Fermentation Celebration!

  * 1 cup yogurt
  * 1 cup any alcohol
  * Black garlic
  * Fish sauce
  * Yeast (infection)



6\. Meatlover’s

  * All the meat you can find in the house, blended smooth
  * Cock ale (look it up! :))
  * Stuffed inside a turkey and baked



* * *

  
  


# Brad Pit Has a Room in His House That He Poops In… and it’s Not His Bathroom???

* * *

# Becky’s Jim Carrey Column

There’s just not a lot going on in his life right now. Sorry for not including him in last week’s article, he’s not Jewish. 


End file.
